Effectively Coping with the Trauma of Infidelity

Still Uncertain?

2007-05-30T12:48:00.000-06:00

Are you still feeling uncertain about whether or not your partner is being faithful and monogamous? Do you feel suspicious about his/her online activity? Need some hard solid proof?

All you need is SPECTORSOFT, a truly incredible piece of software.

There is a great resource available to help you. Spectorsoft Company has exactly what you need. They offer great computer monitoring software that is the absolute best in the field. How do I know this? I’m an extremely satisfied customer personally. I also attended a social event that was put together by members of an infidelity support group and the topic of how they found out the truth about their wayward partners came up in conversation. There were 11 people in the group and 7 had busted their partner using one of Spectorsoft’s products. The other 4 used cell phone records. So as you can see, those are some pretty good odds.

Check out a few things Spector's products can do:

SCREEN SNAPSHOTS
Are you tired of pretending to sleep while your partner is awake on the computer? Do you ever wonder what they are doing? What sites are they surfing or who is important enough to lose sleep over? No need to wonder anymore. Spector has you covered.

Is your stomach in knots because you just know that there are secret email accounts? Wanna see those chats and instant messages as they are being typed? (Spector Pro also saves the entire chat conversation and all instant messages for later review.)

CHAT/INSTANT MESSAGE ACTIVITY
You simply click on the Chat/IM Activity button, and you will see a list of ALL conversations. Or, you can view the messages from the Top 10 people most frequently chatted with or just the conversations on MySpace.

Chat/Instant Message recording captures popular chat and instant messaging services and provides you with a clear record of all conversations that have taken place. Both sides of chat conversations and instant messages are gathered and saved chronologically for your review.

Spector Pro is designed to record both sides of a conversation in AOL chat rooms, AOL Instant Messenger, Google Chat, MSN Messenger, Skype Chat and Yahoo Messenger.

KEYSTROKES TYPED
Spector Pro includes what many consider to be the BEST key logger available, saving keystrokes by application, by date, time and user.

Spector Pro will save every key typed on the PC keyboard. Spector Pro not only captures standard alphanumeric keystrokes, but also records "hidden" characters and keystroke combinations, such as the Shift and Ctrl key, as well as “true” keystrokes which may otherwise appear differently on screen (such as an * when a password is typed).

MYSPACE ACTIVITY
Spector Pro records MySpace activity so you will know when they update their profile, post pictures, make comments about other MySpace users, send messages to other MySpace users, invite someone to be a friend, accept an invitation from a new friend, and much more.

ONLINE SEARCHES AND WEBSITES VISITED
Spector Pro is the first product that easily allows you to quickly see exactly what they are searching for on the Internet. In a matter of seconds, you will be able to see what they have been searching for, and whether they search for this only occasionally, or on a daily basis.

The Web Sites Visited recorder is much more sophisticated than the History feature of your web browser, providing you with important details including: Time of Last Visit, Duration of Time on the Web Site, Active Time on Web Site, Total Number of Visits to the Web Site and more!

EMAIL MONITORING
Even when they delete their email, Spector Pro will keep a copy for you to review. It doesn't get any better than this, folks!

To review the email recordings, simply click on the Email Activity tab and Spector Pro will list all of the incoming and outgoing emails. See whether the email was sent or received, who sent it, who received it, the subject of the email, and the time and date the email was sent or received.

Spector Pro records Outlook email (Earthlink, Mindspring, MSN...) and will capture AOL email. In addition, Spector Pro is the ONLY program available that will capture Internet-based email services such as AOL, Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo, and MySpace.

KEYWORDS DETECTED
One of the most powerful features of Spector Pro is its advanced Keyword Detection and Alerts. Create a list of "on alert" words or phrases and Spector Pro will continually monitor keyboard typing, URLs, web pages, incoming and outgoing emails, chat conversations and instant messages for these offending words or phrases.

When a keyword or phrase is detected, Spector Pro immediately jumps into overdrive. Screen Snapshot frequency is automatically increased to ensure that every detail of the offender’s actions are recorded. Additionally, Spector Pro collects information regarding the offending words and sends you an instant keyword alert via email.

Each keyword alert contains the following information:
1. The keyword that was detected
2. The time the keyword was detected
3. The current user logged in to Windows
4. Additional detailed information (Example: the URL where the keyword was found)

You tell Spector Pro which words and phrases to watch out for - for example, "sex," “drugs,” "phone number," - whatever YOU decide to include. You also tell Spector Pro where to send the INSTANT ALERTS (you specify your email address at the office or on your cell phone).

Then, when the person using the computer TYPES in one of these words or phrases, or when they are chatting and one of these words comes up, or when they are sending or receiving an email with one of these words or phrases, Spector Pro responds IMMEDIATELY and sends you an email letting you know exactly what is happening.

FILES TRANSFERRED
Spector Pro will capture files downloaded via the Internet. Illegal software downloads, pornographic pictures or video, music files, online gambling software and more are automatically recorded.

STEALTH
Stealth technology ensures that Spector Pro is completely protected from everyone except those with authorized access. It will not appear in the Windows System Tray, Desktop, Task Manager or Add/Remove Programs Menu.

Your recordings are protected by a combination of Hot Keys that you choose. Spector Pro can only be accessed through your personal Hot Key combination.

As an added measure of security, Spector Pro will prompt you for a password before opening the PC recording files. This ensures that anyone attempting to access the recordings is an authorized user.

Are you ready for answer yet? They are just a few clicks away. SPECTORSOFT. You simply cannot find a better product that delivers time and time again, giving you that much deserved peace of mind.

Emotional Affairs

2007-05-23T20:57:00.000-06:00

Dr. Shirley Glass, author of NOT "Just Friends" recommends the answering the following questions to help determine if a friendship is headed into dangerous territory. Let's take a look at it.

Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about your day?

Do you discuss negative feelings and intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

Do you and your friend touch differently when you're alone than in front of others?

Are you in love with your friend?

Emotional affairs difer from platonic friendships in that there is 1) greater emotional intimacy than in the primary relationship, 2)secrecy from the primary relationship, and 3) sexual chemistry. Internet affairs, which cause marital distress despite lack of actual physical contact are a perfect example. In other words, if our friend knows more about what is going on in our relationship and our lives more than our partners, then this friendship is headed in the wrong direction.

Let's discuss 3 common types of emotional affairs

1. FRIENDS FROM THE PAST
Reconnecting with someone from your past, especially if it was a previous love, can make a relationship vulnerable. Memories are remembered and reminisced upon which naturally brings up past emotions. These feelings can then stir up new feelings and before you know it, you're headed down a terrible path.

2. INTERNET FRIENDS
The perfect catalyst for secret, sexually charged relationships is online. Just think about all the advantages. The anonymity of the web makes emotional disclosure easier for many people while at the same time allowing them to project a false self. People meeting online reveal what they might never tell someone in real life which naturally causes intimate feelings to develop. Sexy chat can be exchanged right in your livingroom with your children playing nearby which makes it extremely convenient. And the best part is that you can project who you want to be rather than the real you. All of this adds to the fantasy.

Is online love real? It certainly holds all the elements of real love such as obsessive thoughts about the affair partner, the strong urge to be with them, and the thoughts that they are such a wonderful person. The same chemicals are involved in both online love and love with a tangible person.

3. FRIENDS AT WORK
Similar to online emotional affairs, work related emotional affairs can be very intense. They usually begin by mundane chit-chat around the water cooler and are deemed harmless. As the conversations continue, they start confiding personal information about themselves, their partners, and their relationships that their partners would probably consider personal and a violation of trust. As the relationship progresses, they start leaning on each other more and more, depending on their friends for the support they should be getting from their partners. The secrecy of these conversations is the beginning of trouble.

This drains the attention and focus off of the primary relationship and instead of facing issues headon and improving things, it sucks the energy that is needed to save the relationship.

While there are some cases of affairs beginning as one night stands, the majority of them begin as friendships first. They are all based on fantasy since most are kept secret and it's difficult to be yourself in such a situation. What kind of person remains in these situations? It could very well be someone who compartmentalizes the two relationships. I covered compartmentalizing in a previous post. This person may not want to replace their current partner, they just want the extra high.

Emotional affairs require the same hard work to overcome as physical affairs. In fact, many people view them just as harmful as physical affairs, sometimes even moreso if the physical affair was a one night stand. Therefore, they should not be taken lightly or brushed under the rug. You most definitely need to get to the root of the issues if you wish to save your relationship.

The 180

2007-05-20T19:06:00.001-06:00

Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of your relationship. It is my suggestion that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately. They aren’t designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. They appear stronger to the wayward partner and at this point in time, that is exactly what you want to portray.
This list was originally titled, “The 180” and it won’t take you long to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on your own.
The 180
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.

Take Care of You

2007-05-20T19:04:00.000-06:00

Well, it happened. And it's true. Your partner has been unfaithful and your world is spinning. You don't know where to turn, what to say, what to do. Understandably, your emotions are ranging from pure disbelief to barely containable rage. It seems difficult to get a grip on your emotions and nearly impossible to coordinate your thoughts into an action plan. It's my intent to offer you some support and guidance through this difficult period.
I don't have all the answers nor do the therapists. In fact, each individual case is exactly that, individual, and should be treated as such. There are many variables in relationships that make each unique and many factors can lead to an affair. But there are also many many areas of common ground. Therefore, the following guidelines are intended to help you when first faced with the facts of infidelity. These techniques have been recommended by therapists and betrayed partners alike, myself included. Just please remember, there isn't a "one size fits all" approach and each situation is unique and should be treated as such.
With that being said, however, you would be amazed at how many similarities there are regarding the wayward partners. There seems to be a "Cheater's Manual" out there somewhere that all wayward's read. This is to the betrayed partner's benefit as it gives a good indication of what has already happened and what's yet to come. The following guidelines are based on these similarities and I hope you find them beneficial.
1) Don't try to make sense out of nonsense -
Unless you're one of the rare individuals whose partner confessed, chances are you had to play detective to prove what you thought you knew all along. Or, at the very least, you intercepted the secret text or phone message. If this is the case, why on earth would you expect to be dealing with anything except nonsense from the person who put you in this situation to begin with? Your partner may seem to be acting very strange to you, almost as if they are in a "fog." Remember, you're not dealing with someone thinking rationally. Their brains don't seem to be functioning properly which is confusing to you. What should you do?
2) Keep your eyes and ears open but your mouth shut -
As difficult as it is to do, it is important to say as little as possible, but keep an eye on everything going on. If you tip your hand now, your wayward will most likely go even further underground and at that point, it can be almost impossible (or extremely costly) to get the proof you need. And trust me, you will begin to get drilled about how you found out, who all knows, etc. Mouth shut!
Also, it is vital to remain as calm as possible. Confront your partner but expect lies and denials. It's in the handbook! Be firm in your resolve and let them know that you are aware of the infidelity but remain as calm as you can and refuse to argue with them, even if it means walking away. This accomplishes a few goals. First, they want you to get upset and act crazy so they can pin this as the reason they cheated. Second, it helps you keep a level head. And although no one really wants to think this far down the line yet, it will come in very handy if you end up in divorce court as every action you make will be reviewed by a judge and you want to look your absolute best at all times to the courts.
3) Take time -
Realistically, there is little, if anything, you can do to stop the affair. You have no control over them but you can control yourself and you MUST. There are methods that can be implemented to try and speed up the ending of the affair, but not yet. It is vital to your own well being that you take the time necessary to regain your own bearings. It's next to impossible to fix your relationship when you feel so broken. Time. You need time for your own comprehension and healing.
4) Spy and snoop if you need to -
Spying can be necessary to find out what's really happening. Afterall, it's not likely your wayward partner is going to suddenly turn into a fountain that spills forth nothing but truth. Be warned that your partner will likely unleash angrily on you and try and make you feel guilty for spying. Chalk it up to the fog! If spying is disrespectful, what would you call infidelity? If you're really feeling "cheeky," you can classify your snooping as "affair research" and see how they like that answer!
5) Keep checking -
Upon seeing how devastating the affair is for you, the wayward partner may show signs of remorse and claim to have ended the affair. Rarely does this happen on the first try. The wayward's emotions are now just as mixed up as yours and they have a tendency to waver back and forth as much as you will let them. They don't want to upset any member of the triangle (them, you, affair partner). Remember, cheaters lie and liars cheat. Believe nothing that you have not personally witnessed or verified.
6) Don't blame yourself -
You may be partly responsible for the negatives in your relationship but you DID NOT cause the affair. If that were the case, since you are also in the same relationship as the wayward, wouldn't YOU also be having an affair? You were not responsible for your partner's decision to cheat no matter how hard they try to convince you of your guilt. And try they will! Now is the time they pull out their entire arsenal to attack you with, including rewriting your entire marital history. Events you remember happening one way are suddenly given a new twist by the wayward, making you doubt your own memory. Fear not...it's in the handbook! Why do they do this? In an attempt to shift blame, lessen their guilt, and justify their actions. To them, it sure beats looking in the mirror.
7) Don't expect too much from your wayward partner -
They are as mixed up as you are and probably don't know what to do either. Even though they are the ones that created the mess, they usually haven't thought far enough along to know how to handle the aftermath. Try and focus on you, not them. Take a proactive stance and convey to your partner what you think is acceptable behavior. Try your best to be respectful but never, never, never beg, plead or appear needy. Stand tall before your wayward partner with grace and dignity. It leaves a much better impression.
8) Seek advice -
Therapy - You are now a prime candidate for depression. Don't be afraid or ashamed to seek medical help if you are having difficulty coping. Chances are, this is one of the worst experiences of your life and it's nothing that should be handled alone. Find a doctor and/or therapist you are compatible with and enlist their guidance with your healing process.
Legal - I would advise you to speak with an attorney if you are in the least bit contemplating divorce. Laws vary from state to state so it's always advisable to seek expert advice. A fair number of attorneys offer a free initial consultation so use it. It may help ease your mind to get your questions answered and know what you're up against. If you have children or a large number of assets, this can be especially recommended.
Medical - Besides the therapy mentioned above, make an appointment with your medical doctor to discuss issues such as STDs or other health concerns you might have. Infidelity effects much more than than you would expect. A complete physical is also a very good idea.
Family and friends - Most everyone who finds out about the affair will suddenly turn into an armchair shrink and tell you to immediately throw them out. Afterall, they explain, that's exactly what they would do. Until it's them. Then things suddenly become different. No one can truly know how they will react in any situation until it happens to them. Remember that. I would recommend selecting your few closest friends and use them as your main support team.
Also, don't try to recruit anyone to talk sense into your partner. It's likely to backfire and have the opposite effect of what is intended. Your wayward partner is probably still in "the fog" and nothing anyone says or does will matter. It may even end up causing hard feelings instead.
9) If the other person involved with your partner is married or in a committed relationship, tell their partner. Do everything you can to find this person and inform them. They deserve to know, just as you do. The added pressure this person will naturally apply has it's benefits. Talk about getting it from both sides! Remove the secrecy and many affairs will fizzle, not flourish.
10) Take care of you
Do what's necessary to take care of yourself. If you don't get the proper rest and nutrition, your body and brain will not function properly and you will make mistakes that may end up costing you. Don't be afraid to let your emotions go. They are your internal guidance system so use them. If you feel like crying, cry. Don't try and suppress your emotions but rather feel them and release them. If you can, taking time off from work for a bit can be very beneficial too. Focus on you as much as possible right now. You deserve it. And you're certainly more than worth it.

2007-05-19T09:19:00.001-06:00

Q: Should I tell the affair partner’s spouse or significant other?

A: Absolutely, for a few reasons.

First, it really is a matter of doing for someone else what you wish would have been done for you. You wanted to know if your partner was involved in an affair so it only makes sense that the other member of this equation would want to know.

Additionally, it brings the affair into full light and takes away the excitement of secrecy. It’s well known that affairs thrive on secrecy and deceit. Bringing it out in the open takes away most of the fun.

It’s best to do this without the knowledge of either your partner or the affair partner so they cannot sabotage your efforts. Trust me, they will sometimes do everything within their power to not let this happen. If they already know you intend to notify the affair partner’s spouse or significant other before you can actually succeed, be prepared for all kinds of backlash but remind yourself it is imperative to the survival of both relationships. If you are prepared to divorce and don’t really care about saving your relationship, if nothing else, you showed courage and compassion towards a fellow human being.

2007-05-19T09:15:00.001-06:00

Q: Should I contact the other woman/man?

A: In my opinion, based on personal experience, don’t bother. It’s a complete waste of time and emotion. Let me give you my own experiences.

Case #1

My ex-husband’s affair partner was his best friend’s wife. Not an easy situation by any means. On discovery day, after they were busted, I vividly remember her calling me and telling me how my ex never said a bad word about me, how jealous she was of me, blah, blah, blah. Fast forward a few months, after two divorces were in the works and the lives of 6 children were turned upside down, her behavior seemed to change. She now delighted in sending my then 18 month old home saying “Mama D” (insert her real name) which had the desired effect she was looking for. She would send my kids home with all kinds of messages such as how big my underwear were compared to hers (my kids would tell me she would say these things while sorting laundry), how much cleaner she was, etc. I was forever hearing that she said this or she said that and not just from the kids.

I’m happy to report that although they are currently married, they did indeed divorce and remarry. Go figure. I’ve also heard from my kids that their dad is always complaining about how she checks up on him all the time, how miserable he is, and how he really wants to leave her. But I’m the most happy to report that her underwear are now 3 times bigger than mine! Although I do have the infidelity diet to thank for part of it, it’s also interesting to note how much weight she has gained. I guess she’s realizing just exactly what prize she won.

Case #2

My most recent long-term partner has had multiple partners. Most of these did not involve actually having sex but ALL included emotional bonding. For some reason, these were more difficult for me to heal from. In fact, the scars are still visible.

I did confront one of the other women and I strongly encouraged her to meet me face-to-face, which she did. I knew that their relationship had gotten to the point of kissing which I found out through snooping IM logs and email messages. I also got the pleasure of reading what a vile, unloving, cold person I was. That was delightful.

We met at a local sandwich/coffee shop and I was shocked when I saw her. Let’s just say she was no physical beauty and not anything like I expected. I think we all want to believe we are being dumped for some super model for some strange reason. I *thought* she was being open and candid with me as she rambled on and on about how she didn’t know the truth behind his and my relationship, how she was misled, how she DIDN’T WANT HER HUSBAND AND TWO BOYS TO FIND OUT, blah, blah, blah. She seemed really genuine and sincere as she handed over more proof in the form of handwritten notes.

Not a week later, I dropped him off at work (they were coworkers) and he handed me a $5 bill to stop for a gallon of milk. As I’m standing in line to pay at the gas station, I unfold the bill and find a sticky note attached with her name and phone number! I almost passed out on the spot. I called him immediately and his excuse was that the number was actually her husband’s new cell number, for the company records, and she was just updating her files. Until I called the number. Dumb shit. Just how stupid do you think I am? They severed their friendship after that, maybe because I repeated her home address to her, just in case I wanted to mail some proof to her husband sometime. Whatever the reason, it taught me a valuable lesson about expecting people engaging in deceitful acts to be honest. It doesn’t happen.

If you feel it is necessary for your own healing to confront the affair partner then by all means do so. Just keep in mind that he/she will cover up to save their own asses and the asses of your partner. You’re not likely to get the truth.

Surviving Infidelity: What does I love you but I'm not IN love with you mean?

2007-05-18T22:44:00.000-06:00

Q: What does “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” mean?

A: What the wayward partner is trying to get you to believe is that they love you but more like a sister/brother or dear friend as opposed to a lover or mate. Taking a look at the most common definition of a few widely used terms can be beneficial here. Take the phrase “in love.” Most people associate the feeling of being “in love” with butterflies in their stomach, a feeling of euphoria when with or thinking about the other person, or general infatuation. As most adults know, these feelings only last a short time and occur at the beginning of an intimate relationship when everyone is on their best behavior. If the relationship lasts long enough, new feelings usually develop such as security and stability. The butterflies are gone but they have been replaced by feelings that are much stronger.

In the beginning of a new relationship, most people carefully disguise their flaws and only project their best side. As a relationship becomes more comfortable and people begin to relax, all of their personality traits begin to surface, the good AND the bad. Bad habits and annoying behaviors come to light and this is the time when real love begins to take over. See, it’s the loving someone despite the flaws that makes it genuine love.

To summarize, the feeling of being “in love” is love in the stage of infancy. To genuinely love someone takes maturity. Although we all long for that feeling of being “in love,” it’s far more rewarding to experience that feeling with our long-term partners than having to redevelop it for multiple people. But it takes maturity and a lot of hard work to make it happen.

Infidelity and Sexual Abuse

2007-05-17T22:15:00.000-06:00

I came across a book written by Wendy Maltz entitled, The Sexual Healing Journey, which touches on the impact of sexual abuse a lot more than my previous blog entry. I thought you might benefit from this overview.

Sexual abuse generates negative, false attitudes about sex. These thoughts become buried deep in the conscience and it may become difficult to distinguish abusive sex and healthy sex. One’s mindset becomes contaminated with false misconceptions and expectations which can, in turn, affect every aspect of the victim’s sexuality: intimate relationships, sense of morality, sexual drive and expression, etc.

Sexual abuse can unconsciously influence how you feel about yourself and distort your thinking regarding sex. For example, seeing yourself as sexually damaged is quite common. On the flipside, some swing the other way and feel as if they are more powerful as a result of sex.

Most sexually abused people have developed a conditioned way of reacting to touch and sex. Some survivor’s avoid sexual situations altogether while some become sexually reckless. Some people become shy or panicky when faced with sexual content while others choose to flaunt their sexuality. There is always the fear of flashbacks or triggers that may arise and interfere with sexual relating and satisfaction.

If these issues go unaddressed, you can imagine how difficult it is for the victims to gain a healthy attitude about sex. This then can lead down the path to deviant sexual behaviors that can not only jeopardize their relationships, but also their physical health (STDs), mental health, and overall well being.

What role did an abusive upbringing play in my wayward partner’s affair?

2007-05-17T21:57:00.000-06:00

The answer is it probably played a MAJOR role, especially if those wounds have gone untreated. The way we were raised by our family of origin and the influences from others (teachers, friends), especially society at large, forms the foundation of our belief systems and initially our self-esteem. We learn self-discipline, how to handle conflict, how to treat others and a myriad of other skills that combine to form who we are. By carefully examining each of these areas, especially the family dynamic, we can get some important clues as to why our partner has chosen infidelity.

There can be an obvious connection such as infidelity by either parent while growing up or a history of sexual abuse. Remember, children learn by example. They may end up believing that this behavior is normal, although consciously they know it to be wrong. Most of the time, affairs can be directly linked to low self-esteem which, again, can be deep-rooted in childhood. Combine this with undeveloped or ineffective coping and communication skills and you can see someone ripe for an affair.

An abusive upbringing can also manifest many negative personality traits such as being deceptive, hiding activity and interests (to avoid conflict), lying by omission, and other escapist behaviors. Some people learn to replace these traits with positive ones as they mature into adulthood and their self-esteem increases. However, in times of stress, unhappiness, or fear, it is common for them to revert back to the childhood beliefs and responses that are so ingrained. This is one reason some very respectable people can pull off having an affair.

Having these childhood issues does not, by any means, excuse someone’s choice to have an affair. There is NEVER a legitimate reason, only excuses. It does, however, give us a good lens to view the world as they see it and perhaps with a better understanding we can see that the affair may not have been an overt attack on us personally. Hopefully, our own self-esteem is high enough that we can take a step back, be objective, and make an educated decision as to what direction we want to now go. Do we want to reconcile or is divorce a better option? Ultimately, only you can make that decision for yourself. But having a better understanding of our partner’s struggles can make either decision less painful.

Infidelity: Relationship Boundries After the Affair

2007-05-15T22:51:00.000-06:00

After discovery, many wayward partners get very defensive and rebel. They feel invaded and many become angry at what they feel is a loss of freedom and privacy.

On the other hand, the betrayed partner is cycling through their own emotions. Most feel deceived, shocked, and vulnerable. They feel as if their world, as they know it, has just spun off it's axis. And they are correct.

If you plan on co-existing on even a minimal level, boundaries need to be put in place in order to regain some stability. These boundaries work both ways and should be agreed upon by both parties.

For example, both parties must refrain from angry outbursts, especially in the presence of children or in a public setting such as a workplace. Physical violence is NEVER acceptable nor is stalking or harassment. Secrets are forbidden and anything less than total honesty, by both parties, is a deal-breaker. In other words, disrespect of any kind is not to be tolerated.

Setting boundaries is beneficial to both of you. It allows you to not be ruled by your emotions and make rash decisions that could haunt you a lifetime. It also allows you to begin healing by keeping you from further pain. It sends a clear message to your partner that you can survive without them ahtough you love them very much.

Share your intentions, set your boundaries, and it should become apparent where your relationship stands. If your partner balks and you would like to reconcile, perhaps it's time for a different approach. For an excellent, effective method to knock your partner off the fence and back into your relationship, please Click Here!. But only if you are SERIOUS about saving your relationship.

I've read the material presented by Dr. Huizenga and although I haven't used the techniques personally (I hadn't found them when I was suffering through infidelity), I have had direct testimony from a few very close friends who can't say enough wonderful things about Break Free From The Affair. I know when I was faced with infidelity, I wanted to make sure every base was covered before I threw in the towel on the relationship. Isn't your family worth it? Aren't you worth it?

Sieze the Day!

2007-04-25T10:10:00.000-06:00

It's been a few days since I've added anything here. I've been contemplating exactly what I want to do with this space and I think I now know. Since experiencing infidelity or cheating in ANY relationship can be traumatic, I've decided to make this blog specifically targeted towards the healing process involved and any other material I think may help folks get through this. It's not easy.

So, with that being said, please feel free to drop a comment on the blog or send me an email if there is a topic you'd like to see discussed. I would like this to become a place of great healing and hopefully we can all make some new friends along the way. I'm glad you've decided to join us and I hope you stay around.

2007-04-19T11:55:00.000-06:00

Infidelity can change who you are forever. It can rob you of your past, it can make your present painfully unbearable, and your future certainly looks unstable and hopeless. It can leave you feeling very vulnerable and alone.

Sleep? Bah! Not likely to happen for a while and if it does come, it's a very unrestful, fitful sleep that leaves you feeling just as drained as if you never fell asleep at all. Your mind continues to play the movies over and over in your head and you have no idea how to stop them. It can be true hell on earth.

What is real? What is fake? I'm sure you've asked yourself these questions on more than one occasion.

I know first-hand what you're going through as I've been on the receiving end of such news....in two different relationships. The first was my husband of nine years (and father of my 3 children) and the second was a long-term relationship. The resources available today are leaps and bounds better than when I first experienced infidelity a dozen years ago. Today, there are countless websites, forums, and books and audio tapes to help you through this devastating time of your life. The only problem is that they are not all created equal and in my opinion, some resources will steer you far in the wrong direction. Therefore it's important to pick a few good ones that give you constructive action you can take yourself, therefore not relying on anyone else for your healing.

If you are like me, I was desperately trying to snatch anything and everything I could get my hands on to try and figure out exactly what happened to my life and try and regain some balance. It truly is a gut-wrenching time of your life so please take care of yourself as much as possible.

So......depending on what stage you are in regarding your relationship, I've put together some resources I found (and continue to find) very helpful. These products have either been used directly by me or I personally know someone who has had success with them. Are you truly ready yet to stop the nonsense?

Ready to know exactly what steps will produce lasting results? Your future really is in your own hands. The decisions you make now can either make or break your relationship. Educate yourself about your options. One excellent resource I found very helpful was Break Free From the Affair. Dr. Huizenga has put together a resource that answers your questions, gives you a proven system to follow, and restores your peace of mind. With his help, you will not only survive but you will flourish!

Do you still need that hard, concrete proof of your partner's activities? Do you want to know what they are doing online without them knowing? I used this software to monitor my wayward partner's activities and found the proof I needed. One added benefit of this software is that it can also be used to monitor the activities of your children without them even knowing! It's a good way for you to keep your children safe from online preditors. One of the features I found to be the most useful for me was the ability to list keywords and be notified via email every time that word is typed. This software captures every keystroke that is made and also takes screenshots. It is truly an invaluable too that you will use over and over again. Well worth the money! Get more details below:
Online Monitoring

Here is a website that can give you information regarding child custody, divorce issues, legal issues, etc. It's a very informative site with hundreds of free articles and the message boards hold a ton of valuable information. Do yourself a favor and check it out.
SPARC

I cannot say enough about this website. It has over 10,000 members and is rapidly growing. This online community is by far the best out there when it comes to specifically dealing with infidelity. The members are welcoming and extremely informative. You owe yourself to at least lurk. Who better to answer your questions than those going through it themselves. A great support system!
Surviving Infidelity